1. When we get a pimple, it’s just one. And it’s the end of the world.
Neutrogena commercials all start about the same way; an ambiguously-aged teen is getting ready to go to an *important event* and is mortified to discover that there’s something wrong with her face. Oh, holy shit, she has ONE FUCKING PIMPLE ON HER CHIN. How will she make it through the water polo banquet looking like such a ghoul???
First of all, I spit on your single zit. If I’d woken up some morning in high school and discovered I only had one measly blemish on my chin, I would have been fucking elated. One pimple meant 10 less than I had the day before.
And they always pick the most fresh faced kids to be in those commercials. Around that one, single pimple is a delicate canvas, even toned and devoid of visible pores. It’s like they stretched a baby doll’s ass skin over an adult skull.
In reality we’re much braver about zits than that, especially since we’ve been trained to paint away any and every flaw that exists. One pimple is NOTHING for the cosmetics industry.
2. We don’t drink real beer.
When I say real beer I do not mean Miller 64. And I certainly do not mean Smirnoff Ice.
Beer commercials pander to women, but only if they can boast less than 100 calories or an assload of high fructose corn syrup. Porters and stouts are just too heavy and threaten to turn our delicate stomachs into bloated guts or close our thigh gaps forever. I mean, I know when I’m getting plastered the prevailing thought running through my head is “I’M GETTING SO FAT RIGHT NOW FROM ALL THESE BEER CALORIES.”
In general, television thinks that all women are obsessive calorie counters. “Buy our granola bar; it tastes like sand and wood shavings but it only has 10 calories!” No fucking thanks. I just ordered 8 bagels.
3. If a man smells good, we are automatically attracted to him.
(Credit goes to my friend Kayle for pointing this one out to me.)
Men’s fragrance commercials are their own brand of awful. Most of the time they involve a couple vacationing somewhere beachy or romantic and the woman is just completely disarmed by her man’s scent. She can’t even fucking stand up because he smells so good that every neuron in her brain is having its own earth-shattering orgasm. Her mouth is sharting moans of pleasure completely involuntarily while he stands there, just smelling nice.
But Axe commercials are the most terrible, of course. Besides the fact that Axe smells like an overflowing diaper marinated in Listerine, Axe seems to think that their body splash gives men a special female magnetizing super power. Hordes of conveniently scantily-clad women drop whatever they’re doing to jump on some dopey high schooler who just sprayed this skunk bomb of a product in his pits. It doesn’t matter who he is; Axe is so powerful that it causes women to experience complete judgement paralysis.
4. We are angels of domesticity who get real satisfaction out of a clean house.
It seems like every commercial for a household cleaning product involves a mother tidying up after her pesky kids tear into the house from the backyard (trailed by a muddy dog, of course). The mother, who is always reading a fashion magazine or doing laundry, shakes her head and emits a silent, pearly-mouthed guffaw of amusement.
“Oh, those darn kids. Good thing I have an Extra Wet Hyper Powered Slime Blaster to take care of this mess!”
And then she fires up her dirt wand and wipes her floors (which are always white; who wants white floors?) completely clean in a matter of seconds, still smiling all the while.
And when her eight year old son presents her with his favorite white t-shirt, inexplicably soiled with grass stains, feces, and what appears to be an entire bottle of ketchup, she just waggles her finger and throws it in the wash with whatever 9 molar acid detergent it is we’re supposed to want to buy.
Because real mothers are people and not robot maids, they don’t just shrug off their family’s inconsiderate rejection of basic human cleanliness. If your living filth toboggan of a kid dragged her mud-caked ass across your white tile to get to her chicken nuggets, you would lose your shit. Partly because you’re too busy doing other things to clean and partly because that stupid space mop you bought last month is already broken.
Oh yeah, and that bleach commercial where that 4 year old kid poops in the bath tub? IT’S NOT CUTE. BATH TUB POOP IS NEVER CUTE.
5. The right product will make your period completely unnoticeable!
Feminine hygiene has a long and storied history. We’ve gone from 12-ply underpants held up by suspenders to tampons the size of your pinky finger with 80 different kinds of uncomfortable and leaky models in between.
Today, period receptacles have all kinds of weird features to make them as thin and discrete as possible while still remaining functional. As a result, brands often boast that their product is so comfortable that you’ll forget you’re even on your period.
Unless Tampax can figure out a way to teleport blood out of my uterus, I will ALWAYS be conscious of my period. No space fabric will ever be able to change the fact that wearing a pad feels like sitting in a bowl of salsa. Wearing a tampon in the pool will always be a lottery of terror. Periods always have and always will suck, whether you’re wearing a giant diaper or a tiny vagina vacuum (they’ll probably invent those soon).